The Life of a Tiger

*Person's name is not included to protect their identity

Talk about your background.

I’m originally from Jaffna, I remember wanting to join the LTTE as young as 9 years old, by that age I had witnessed murder, I heard about rape and I saw my family struggle. I thought the LTTE would help save the Tamil community so I left school and joined when I was 14, in December of 1993. I got eight months worth of training.

Why did you join?

I felt I had no choice. When I was in the LTTE, I would be sitting next to someone and eating one day and the next day I would receive news that they had died, that was our reality. After all of this, we didn’t achieve anything. Our fighters were willing to do anything for Tamil people, even if it meant losing their lives. I fought against the army and lost my leg. In the moment it was extremely painful but when I reminded myself that it was for the freedom of Tamil people, I could take the pain. Now that everything is over, I feel empty, I loved the other fighters more than my own family.

What was the initial experience like?

Everything was different, I found it hard to live with the other girls, it was hard being away from my family but I chose to go so I got on with it. At home we had so many rules, we couldn’t go out when we wanted and we weren’t allowed to speak to men apart from relatives. I broke away from all of that when I joined the LTTE. I had never even stayed at someone else’s house before and now I was with 200 other girls, but if they could cope, so could I.

How were the women within the LTTE treated differently to men?

In Sri Lanka women get married, have children, cook, clean and do housework. In my family, even when I took part in 100m races at school, my mother always said ‘careful’, ’watch out’ because she felt women were not strong enough. When I joined the LTTE, I felt that women could do everything men could do. I had never even killed an ant before, I’d pick it up and blow it away. Now I was fighting under all sorts of conditions, I could never take days off, once fighting began I couldn’t leave without finishing the job. Women did everything men did in terms of training, carrying heavy weapons etc. People say I could have studied, got a proper job and lived a comfortable life but I feel that I achieved more than other women because in my mind, I was fighting for the freedom of Tamil people. I still feel proud of myself for making grown men run for their lives.

The LTTE was considered a terrorist organisation by 32 countries, how do you feel about this?

Since 1948 (Independence) Tamils have had our rights taken away. When we asked for our rights peacefully we were tortured, the LTTE realised that without taking up arms nothing would change. If you hit me, I will hit you back, how can I be called a terrorist because of that?

The LTTE have been accused of war crimes, even crimes against Tamil people, how do you feel about this?

I was never involved in anything where innocent people died, especially innocent Tamils, if something like that happened it would have happened without the knowledge of our leader and the individuals in question would have been punished.

Describe what life was like during the height of bombing in 2009.

I can’t describe what life was like in Mullivaikal at that time, I get dizzy thinking about it, fighter planes came and bombed the area constantly, so many of us lived in a cramped area and people died in their thousands every day. Small children lined up to receive the limited food that was available to us and shelling began. I got used to people dying, they were lying there in pools of blood and I couldn’t even cry, I thought to myself "she’s dead today and tomorrow it’ll be me." My husband died, my aunt’s whole family died, when I think about that now it'll keep me up at night and I'll start crying but at the time I felt nothing. People were screaming ‘save me, save me!’ and hospitals were being shelled, it was all so barbaric. In every family, at least one person died. I never hid, wherever there was a problem I was there, I didn’t even hide in bunkers because I was helping look after people who were wounded. I still don't know how I am alive today.

What happened when you surrendered?

I surrendered in May 2009 and was taken to a camp with my two-year-old daughter. I was then in prison for two months but a relative bribed the officials and I got out. Those who didn’t have money to pay bribes suffered a lot. Women were sexually harassed by numerous men at a time, they were tortured and killed and so many people committed suicide. A relative paid CIDs to help me get out of prison, keep me in a house and make me a fake passport, I fled to India at the end of 2009.

How did you get to the UK?

I had contact with some other former-LTTE members, they got arrested and officials traced their other contacts so I had to leave India, I found an agent and paid money to come here. In 2009 I never thought I would have this life because I was in the LTTE for so long, even in India I was in hiding. I got my visa 3 months ago, now I feel free and have the freedom to tell people about what I’ve been through and for that I will always respect this country and the people here but I still miss home.

How does it feel knowing you can never go back to Sri Lanka?

If I go back I will be arrested. I would have done anything to get a separate state for Tamils and I have lost so much. When I was on the plane to India, I looked back at the country and I screamed and cried. I would’ve died for that land and now I can’t even live there. I compare my love for the northern part of Sri Lanka to the love between married couples, when I think about never going back it saddens me deeply. Everything in the North has changed, if a mother sends their child to school they don’t know if they’ll come back. Whoever gets in power, they may say things to please the international community but nothing will change.

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